"The Olympic Man"

Every few years, the church I belong to
(The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints)
puts on something called 'Roadshow',
where all the different branches in an area
each put together a brief (15 min.) 'show'
and then perform them for a few nights.
The theme this year (1999) was to do
a parody of a Broadway musical,
and being asked to write and direct,
I, of course, chose "The Music Man" to do.
It was a great time, and I got to fulfill
a life-long dream to play the part of Harold Hill,
albeit not quite in the way I had always hoped!

Anyways, here is the script for the show,
based on the recent Olympic bribery scandal,
with Harold Hill as a member of the IOC.
It would probably help to know
more about LDS beliefs and culture
to get some of the specific references,
but most people should be able
to follow it nonetheless.

THE OLYMPIC MAN
written by Eric Endres for the Orchard Park Ward,
Western New York Stake LDS Roadshow 1999
(parody of "The Music Man" by Meredith Willson)
Produced and directed by Shelly Crespo and Eric Endres
(c) 1999 Eric Endres.

 
SCENE 1

A meeting of the International Olympic Committee.

 
Seated at a table are the IOC CHAIRMAN
and three other IOC members of various nationalities.

(In the style of "Rock Island")

CHAIRMAN
We've all got some deciding to do
for the winter games in two-thousand-two.
Who do you got? Who do you got?
Who do you got? Who do you got?

IOC MEMBER#1
We've got Ostersund, Sweden...

IOC MEMBER#2
Sion, Switzerland...

IOC MEMBER#3
And Salt Lake City, Utah.

CHAIRMAN
What do they got? What do they got?
What do they got? What do they got?

IOC#1
Well they all got snow and they all got cold,
so it's gonna take something more to win that vote.

CHAIRMAN
We need cash for the bobsled, cash for the hockey,
cash for the skiing and the skating and the curling.
(rubbing fingers together in 'money' gesture)
What do they got? What do they got?
What do they got? What do they got?

IOC#1
(rubbing stomach)
Sweden made us some Swedish meatballs.

IOC#2
(showing watch)
Switzerland gave us all nice new watches.

IOC#3
(holding up a Book of Mormon and movie tickets)
Salt Lake gave us each a Book of Mormon
and tickets to the Sundance Film Fest.

CHAIRMAN
Well, that's pretty good, pretty good, pretty good,
but still not enough, not enough, not enough.
We need cash for our families, cash for our children,
cash for the braces and the cars and the college.

IOC#1
(standing boldly)
I'll take a trip to Salt Lake City
and milk those Mormons somethin' pretty!

IOC#2 & #3
(gesturing at IOC#1)
But he doesn't know the territory!

CHAIRMAN
How about Hill?

IOC#1
Hill?

IOC#2
Hill?

IOC#3
Hill?

HAROLD HILL
(suddenly entering the room)
That's Harold Hill.

CHAIRMAN
The newest member of our committee.
And he spent some time once in Salt Lake City.

HAROLD HILL
I was thinking of joining the church out there,
and becoming a Mormon scholar,
but I couldn't shake my worship of the Almighty dollar.
(holds up and fondles a wad of bills)

CHAIRMAN
He's perfect!

IOC#1
Perfect!

IOC#2
Perfect!

IOC#3
Perfect!

IOC#1, 2, 3 and CHAIRMAN
And he knows the territory!

SCENE 2

Downtown Salt Lake City

People are walking down the street and by stores,
including ZCMI, Zion's Bank and a Tattoo/Piercing Parlor.

(MARCELLUS is sitting on a bench as
HAROLD HILL enters and greets him.)

HAROLD
Marcellus! Well, I'll be!
You're still here after all these years?!

MARCE
Harold Hill! You old rapscallion, you!
I thought they ran you out of town
for scalping General Conference tickets.

(They shake hands and sit down on bench together.)

HAROLD
Nah, that's all blown over...
I've come here again to try to find a way
to get into some of these Utah boodle bags.
I'm an agent for the Olympic Selection Committee.
I'm meeting the Salt Lake Olympic Panel
here in a few minutes.
It's my job to grease their wallets a little.

MARCE
Well, it ain't gonna be easy.
The city's doin' pretty well these days
without the Olympics.
We've got that new Outlet Mall over in Park City,
Donnie and Marie are on the tube again,
and best of all, Michael Jordan finally retired
and now the Jazz might finally
win the championship.

HAROLD
Hmmm, yeah...
We'll have to create some trouble, then.
Must create a desperate need in this town
for the 2002 Olympic Games.

(They sit in thought for a few moments,
then HAROLD looks around and notices
the Tattoo/Piercing Parlor)

HAROLD
Say, Marce, are there a lot of these
Piercing Parlors around town?

MARCE
Yeah, every other kid in town's got some
ring or chain stuck in 'em somewhere.

HAROLD
(snapping his fingers)
That'll do it!

(The Salt Lake Olympic Panel enters,
comprised of a few men and women)

PANEL MEMBER #1
Excuse me. Are you Harold Hill from the IOC?

HAROLD
(getting up and approaching the group)
That's right.
You must be the Salt Lake Olympic Panel.
Well, may I just start off by saying
that either you and your great city here
are closing your eyes to a situation
you do not wish to acknowledge,
or you are unaware of the caliber of disaster
indicated by the presence of
Piercing Parlors in your community.

HAROLD
(In the style of "Ya Got Trouble")
Weeeell, ya got trouble, my friends,
right here, I say trouble right here in Salt Lake City.
Why, sure I was a kid once.
Certainly not ashamed to say,
no, I'm not ashamed to say it.
I consider the years I spent
as an adolescent were golden.
Helped me cultivate horse sense
and a cool head and a strong mind.
But did ya ever take and try and give a long hard look
at the kids growin' up in your town?
It's a lack of discipline, morals and self-esteem
that's wrong with the kids these days,
and it leaves 'em prone to overdoses of apathy.
They start to say "whatever";
the first big word on the road
to the depths of self-destru-,
I say, first, a stud in the earlobe
and then a tattoo on the forearm.
(crowd begins to get worked up)
And the next thing you know your son
is piercing a CTR ring in his nose,
and listening to some new Marilyn Manson,
hear him sing about devil worship.
(crowd gasps)
And soon there's rings and chains
and goth makeup all over him.
Like to see him try and get
a decent job lookin' like that?
Make your blood boil, well I should say.
Now, folks, let me show you where they pierce;
(pointing to body parts as he mentions them)
in the eyelid, nose, ear, tongue;
they're walkin' hunks of metal, folks!.
Ya got trouble,
right here in Salt Lake City.
With a capital T
and that rhymes with P
and that stands for 'Piercing'.

(Music stops. Crowd whispers 'trouble trouble...')

HAROLD
Representatives of Salt Lake City-
heed this warning before it's too late.
Think of what an uplifting, positive example
the 2002 Games would be to the
troubled youth in your community,
and ask yourselves if you can afford
not to have the Olympics here in Salt Lake.
Now, please bear in mind that
Switzerland and Sweden have both
made generous contributions to our committee.
I shudder to think that any influence would
would come from that, but I would hate to see
your great city denied and your children suffer
because you weren't as willing to make
an offering on their behalf.

(The PANEL huddles briefly)

PANEL MEMBER #2
Mr. Hill, we have made it our duty to do
whatever we can to get the Games here,
so if this is what it takes, we offer you...

HAROLD
Yeeesss??

THE SALT LAKE OLYMPIC PANEL
(In the style of "76 Trombones")
Seventy-six scholarships to BYU
and a hundred and ten thousand dollars on the side.
A nominal gift for you
so in two-thousand and two
in Salt Lake the Olympics will reside.

(The PANEL dances and the crowd mixes and mutters
while HAROLD makes a call on his cell phone.)

(HAROLD hangs up the phone.)

HAROLD
Congratulations, folks!
Salt Lake City has been awarded
the 2002 Winter Olympic Games!

(The crowd cheers and celebrates.)

(ALICE THE GENEOLOGIST
pushes through to the front.)

ALICE
I can't believe this! What have you done?
You've been taken in by a common con-man,
and compromised the very values
that have made this city what it is.
I'm ashamed and disgusted with all of you!

(ALICE runs off in a huff.)

(PANEL and crowd scoff and laugh it off,
and everyone begins to disperse.)

(HAROLD walks over to MARCELLUS.)

HAROLD
Say, Marce? Who was that sassy spitfire?

MARCE
Oh, that was Alice.
She works at the Geneological Library.
She's always got somethin' to say
about what's goin' on here.

HAROLD
Well, I didn't like what she said,
but I loved the way she said it.
Captivatingly stunning, she is...
And stunningly captivating!
I'll have to pay a visit to that
the Geneological Library...

SCENE 3

Inside the Geneological Library

(ALICE is working on a computer
when HAROLD enters.
WINTHROP is nearby.)

ALICE
(noticing HAROLD)
Oh, it's you.

HAROLD
My dear, I may not have made
a favorable impression on you,
but you've certainly made one on me!

ALICE
(trying to act uninterested)
Is there something I can do for you?
Is there a name you'd like to look up?

HAROLD
Oh, I know the name I'm after.

ALICE
What name is that?

HAROLD
Alice.

(ALICE shrugs in disgust.)

HAROLD
(referring to WINTHROP)
Say, who is this fine-lookin' young fella?

ALICE
Oh, that's my brother Winthrop.

(Upon hearing his name, WINTHROP runs away.)

HAROLD
Well, I see he has the family charm!

ALICE
He's really shy. He has a lisp.
And he hasn't been well since our father died.

HAROLD
Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that.
Say, you know what that boy needs?

ALICE
What?

HAROLD
A strong male figure in his life,
like, say, a brother-in-law.

ALICE
If you're referring to yourself,
then he's better off as he is!

HAROLD
My dear, the colder your words are,
the warmer my heart gets!

HAROLD
(In the style of "Marian Librarian")
What can I do my dear to make it clear?
I love you madly, madly geneologist Alice.
You're a far off target I will always miss.
Too into your family trees to allow a kiss.
Can I ever romance a stubborn geneologist
such as Aaaaaaaa-lice
Geneoooooooo-logist

(During the song, HAROLD pursues ALICE
around the desk, etc.
ALICE avoids his advances, and eventually
throws him his coat and he leaves.)

SCENE 4

ALICE's front porch.

(ALICE and her MOTHER are sitting on the porch.)

MOTHER
So, dear, who is this Hill fella I keep hearin' about?
I understand he's taken quite a fancy to you.

ALICE
Harold? Oh, he is an absolutely incorrigible man.

MOTHER
Oh, my, every man is incorrigible, isn't he now?
What's the story with this one?

ALICE
He's on the committee that voted for
Salt Lake to get the Olympic Games.

MOTHER
Well, that's a good thing, now, isn't it?

ALICE
Oh, but mother, he's a boorish, swindling, flattering conman.

MOTHER
(wryly)
So he's a fixer-upper.

(ALICE shrugs.)

MOTHER
Well, if he likes ya, Alice, and he's half a looker,
ya ought to at least give him a chance.
Most importantly, he's alive.
Your geneology is a great thing, dear,
but sometimes I think you've had better relationships
with your deceased ancestors
than with anyone who's livin'.
It's no wonder your little brother is so shy.
He takes after his sister.
Poor Winthrop.

(MOTHER exits. ALICE sits and ponders that.)

(WINTHROP and other children approach the porch,
carrying skates, skis, hockey sticks, etc.)

WINTHROP
(with a heavy lisp)
Alith! Alith!
Look at all thith great thtuff
that Mithter Hill gave uth!

ALICE
My, my... Winthrop!
I've never seen you so excited in your whole life!
Mr. Hill gave you all of this? Really?

WINTHROP
Thath right! He wanth uth to really have thome fun
and learn about the Olympic thpirit.

A LITTLE GIRL
(holding skates)
I'm going to be a champion figure skater someday.

ANOTHER CHILD
(holding skis)
I'm gonna be an Olympic skiier.

WINTHROP
(holding a hockey stick)
And I'm gonna be the nextht Wayne Grethtky!

ALICE
Oh, that's wonderful!

WINTHROP
And Mithter Hill taught uth a great thong, too.

WINTHROP and the OTHER KIDS
(In the style of "Gary, Indiana")
Thalt Lake Thity, Utah
Thalt Lake Thity, Utah
Not in Tuthcalootha,
Parith, Franth, New York or Rome
But Thalt Lake Thity, Utah
Thalt Lake Thity, Utah
Thalt Lake Thity, Utah,
my home thweet home.

ALICE
That was wonderful, Winthrop!

WINTHROP
I'll thee you later, Alith.
I've got to go and practith my thlap thot.

(ALICE sits alone on the porch and is
obviously moved by what's happened.)

ALICE
(to herself)
I've never felt so conflicted about someone before.
A part of me wants to fall for him,
and a part of me just wants to kick him!
I'm not sure exactly how he makes me feel.
I only know that he does make me feel.

(ALICE sings "Til There Was You")

(MOTHER comes out carrying a radio.)

MOTHER
Alice! Alice! Listen to the news.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
...and in the wake of the Olympic bribery scandal,
members of the Salt Lake City Olympic Panel
and members of the IOC have resigned in shame.
A council is now investigating the matter fully
and uncovering allegations that other cities have
been making similar donations and bribes
to the IOC for years.

MOTHER
Oh, dear. I guess you were right about that Harold fella.

(MOTHER walks back inside.)

ALICE
(to herself)
No, I think I may have been wrong.

(HAROLD walks by.)

ALICE
Harold!

HAROLD
Alice?

HAROLD
Well, as you've probably heard,
I've resigned from the committee.

ALICE
Yes, I know.

HAROLD
Oh, Alice. I feel horrible for what I've done.
I honestly don't want to live that way anymore.
I'm just glad that the Games will still go on here.
That was all I really wanted in the end.

ALICE
Well, I don't believe that the end can justify the means,
but I think that sometimes, despite our ends and means,
the Lord can make something good come from it all.
You've given our town and our children some real spirit,
and the Games will be something that
we'll remember for the rest of our lives.

HAROLD
I hope to be able to see that for myself.

ALICE
What do you mean?

HAROLD
I've decided to stay here. This town has won me over.
Well, the town and a certain geneologist.

ALICE
Oh, Harold, I've spent so much time
researching family trees that I
never thought of starting one of my own.

HAROLD
I would love to be a part of that tree.

ALICE
Oh, that would be wonderful.
But first, before we let this go any further,
there's some gentlemen that I'd like you to talk to.

HAROLD
Gentlemen?

(A crowd comes out,
and two MISSIONARIES
approach HAROLD.)

CROWD
(In the style of "Wells Fargo Wagon")
Oh-ho, the missionaries are a-comin' down the street.
Oh, please let 'em talk to you.
Oh-ho, the missionaries are a-comin' down the street.
They want to tell you that the church is true.

(MISSIONARIES show HAROLD
Book of Mormon and pamphlets, etc.,
and they talk amongst themselves.)

ALICE
They'll show you the plan of salvation...

CROWD MEMBER #1
(holding a church video)
And maybe a church video...

CROWD MEMBER #2
And after prayer and meditation...

(HAROLD kneels down and prays.)

CROWD
The Holy Ghost is gonna let you know.

(HAROLD stands up and rejoices.
He pulls off his outer clothing,
revealing white baptism clothes.)

CROWD
Oh-ho, the missionaries are a-comin' down the street.
Oh, please let 'em talk to you.


--THE END--

A Tribute to Meredith Willson's "The Music Man"
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