The Mother of all Mothers-In-Law
(c) 2003 Noel Katz

Running on from the opposite sides of the stage, are the mothers, Bea and Carol.

BEA
Carol!

CAROL
Bea!
							(They hug.)
You know what today is!

BEA
							(sings)
Today is the day I become a mother-in-law

CAROL
Are you ready to accept the position?

BEA
Well, it's daunting:
There have been so many amazing mothers-in-law
How do I live up to that tradition?

 
Say, can you teach me how to be the perfect meddler?
How to insinuate I've noted every flaw?
How do I firmly stand my ground?
How do I throw my weight around?
What is the way to be the greatest mother-in-law?

CAROL
If you articulate complaints and criticism
And never let an unkind word get stuck in your craw
Whether you're taking down a hem
Or simply making fun of them
You'll be the mother of all mothers-in-law

He needed help as a bachelor
And he needs help as a groom

BEA
So, what could be natch'aler
Then moving into their front room?


CAROL
When they're cooking always point out what's unhealthy
And at a picnic cry "You're poisoning the slaw!"
And to make sure they stay alive
Give 'em directions while they drive
To be the mother of all mothers-in-law

BEA
You know there's nothing more important than your comfort
When they come over you can greet them in the raw

CAROL
If you declare "You're not my fav-
You're sending me to an early grave"
You'll be the mother of all mothers-in-law

If every week you do a cleanliness inspection
If you present them with a pup who's missing a paw

BEA
When their ego has been trounced
When you can drop in unannounced
You'll be the mother of all mothers-in-law

BOTH
S/he will need double the mothering
Once s/he's married his/her turtle-dove
You can do double the smothering
But don't forget to do it with love

When you call before 9:30 Sunday mornings
Remember they're the sweetest pair you ever saw.

BEA
If you could show respect to Joy

CAROL
If you could be good to my boy

BOTH
You'll be the mother of all mothers-in-law